The View From Day 10

Mom. So, when my grandkids ask me, “Pop! Did you ever have COVID?” I can say, “Let me tell you about the time I had COVID. It was the winter of ‘21, and vaccines were a week away from rolling out . . .”

I appreciated his over-the-top gravelly old man voice, his decision to place this story in winter for greater effect, and how at 10, he was was already consciously collecting the stories of his own life.

But let’s be honest. This particular story is one that I could have totally done without. We have spent the last 18 months fending off a COVID infection story: Wash your hands! Wash your nose! No, you can’t go to that party—I don’t care if it’s outside! No, you can’t do in-person after school activities yet! Take your vitamins! That was not good enough—go wash your hands again! And we got close—so close! But a week before Wyatt could have gotten his COVID vaccination, he caught the virus at school. And of course school was the one in-person, group thing that we hadn’t stopped him from doing.

I realized today that I wanted to remember the things that I’ve observed in the last 10 days of a quarantine and in-home isolation filled with stressful anticipation of serious symptoms that fortunately never settled in. (Quarantine has actually been longer than 10 days because the Health Department starts counting with zero.) I’ve organized my observations into “Rose, Bud, and Thorn” categories. Wyatt and I sometimes review our respective days this way at bedtime, but since we’ve been doing our best to isolate, mask-up and still remain a warm, caring family, we’ve shortened bedtime chats to a quick “good night,” which sucks.

A Bouquet of Roses: Gratitude

Community: We have a lot of ridiculously good friends, and our connections span so many years and experiences. Our people showed up for us in the most beautiful ways these last 10 days. When Wyatt was tiny, I heard a lot about “finding your community,” like it’s a place full of people where you plug yourself in and get an instant extended family. But that wasn’t our experience, and thank goodness it’s not the only way to be in community. It turns out that a person’s community doesn’t have to derive from or depend on a single place. When you find a friend, strength of connection builds with time and reciprocity. They become part of your community and you become part of theirs. My current model is: Every person is both the hub of and a spoke on the wheel of their unique community.

Health: Fortunately, all three of us were healthy when COVID showed up. This experience is great reminder that when we’re feeling good, it’s critical to do all the things to keep that going. Health matters all the time, but it’s easy to notice it only when you’re feeling sick, and that’s a mistake.

Support: I loved hearing from people just saying hi, checking in, and asking what they could do. I really loved hearing from people who said, “I’m going [somewhere exotic, like to the store], what can I pick up for you?” and “My kids are done with these magazines, do you think Wyatt would like them? I can drop them by!” and “Here is a list of the things I think I might like to do if I were stuck at home for 10 days. What sounds good to you? I’ll drop by a care package this week!” And never mind the surprise book and card that arrived on a particularly ugh day. And another friend’s Super Ginger Juice! These are great examples to me of how I can show up for my people going forward.

Resources: When the state COVID team called asked if we had enough food and cleaning supplies to last until Tuesday, I felt so grateful for everything that we have.

Adaptability: I have never felt more adaptable in my life. Eighteen months of pandemic has been a master class in how expectations are a waste of time, and how there are always more ways to practice being adaptable.

Buds! So Many Buds: Anticipation

Being out in the world: We cannot wait to be out in the world. Doing things! Seeing things! Going places! Not wearing a mask at home will also be fun.

Reconnecting with friends: Remember what “shelter in place” or “lockdown” was like? It’s a whole feeling. Or a collection of feelings like isolation, dread, worry, stress, annoyance, and more. I had forgotten, but it came back fast, thanks to the preceding 18-month depletion of energetic and emotional reserves. It is going to feel so, so good to see our people again.

A Bed of Thorns: Ouch!

Living in the present (Ha!): Ideally, Marc and I would have been super chill and all, “Oh, gosh. You are COVID positive. That’s okay, let’s just take it as it comes and be proactive with recovery strategies for you and prevention strategies for us.” But that wasn’t what happened. We went into overdrive with what might come next and ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW, in addition to being proactive with recovery and prevention strategies. The good news is that I know such a combination of mindset and action exists, even though I have yet to experience it.

Treating your partner with care and compassion (Haha!): This was one of the first things that went out the window. And just when I thought I could lean out and grasp it again, another gust of stress blew it way out of reach. Fortunately, a friend told me she’s currently contemplating why we are inclined to treat strangers so well but don’t do the same (and take for granted) those who are near and dear to us. So now I’m actively thinking on it, too.

Control (Hahaha!): Control is 100% an illusion. But that fact doesn’t mean effort is futile. It seems like my goal should be to do my best on all fronts without counting on any of my efforts to yield a certain result. Good luck to me (and all of us) on this one.

Snack Time

Tomorrow is the first day of school.

Wyatt’s backpack is stocked with a new homework folder, some new-ish pencils with only a few dog bites in them, new erasers, and a package of lined paper. His teachers requested these things in the email they sent way back in June. I vaguely remember opening this email and thinking I should remember to reread it in August. I didn’t. Good thing school knows that some of us are laggards and re-sent it last week.

Wyatt also has in his backpack an extra KF-94 mask, hanitizer, a band aid that’s “looks 1,000 years old” but is still sealed in its wrapper and therefore viable, and a tube of sunscreen. We removed his tooth brushing kit because even though his orthodontist wants him to brush his teeth after every meal, brushing his teeth after lunch at school during COVID seems unnecessarily risky to all other parts of his body.

Weighing the pros and cons of tiny decisions like whether it makes sense to brush teeth at school during COVID makes me tired. Have you read this piece? It sums up so well the experience of being a parent of an under-12 child these days. I now get hot and prickly at the mere mention of a future commitment because the past 18 months have taught me that planning, a pillar of my existence for decades, is at best just a starting point and at worst a farce.

Regardless of how the school year ultimately unfolds, Wyatt will need lunches and snacks. He has made clear that both categories of food should be delicious and fast to eat so that they don’t take up precious play yard time. I have made clear that one of his morning jobs is to pack his lunch and snack. He was totally on top of lunch packing by the end of last year, except that he ate his lunch at snack time because maybe there wasn’t a snack, which meant he was consistently hangry after school. But on discussing it this weekend, neither of us could even figure out what a “good” snack would be (see criteria above), so I started looking online for granola bar-type snacks that are seed based (so he can avoid bringing nuts to school). I baked one recipe which was not good, and then made up my own recipe after having read a few more I found. I’m sure this recipe of mine can be refined further, but I’m happy with how our little Seed Bites turned out, and you may be in the same “What? They need a snack, too?” boat as me, so I wanted to share now. Perfectionism is the enemy of progress, right?

Seed Bites

Dry Ingredients

1/2C Raw Pumpkin Seeds

1/2C Raw Sunflower Seeds

1C Large flaked coconut (unsweetened)

1/4C Untoasted Sesame Seeds

1/4C Chia Seeds

1/4C Hemp Seeds

1/4C Ground Golden Flax Seeds

1/2t Kosher salt (or 1/4t sea salt)

1/2t Ground Cardamom

(I also added about 2T ground dried Sea Palm seaweed. I ground the seaweed leaves in our spices-dedicated coffee grinder. It adds to the flavor in a super subtle, wonderful way, and it is very nutritious. But maybe seaweed isn’t your thing? If so, omit.)

*Note: Feel free to mix and match seeds—total volume of seeds is the key, I believe, so if you’re missing one or more, make up the volume with one that you do have. But don’t omit the ground flax seeds, because they help bind everything together. Also, if coconut is a nut that’s not welcome in your community, omit it. Maybe add some additional seeds or some kind of dried fruit.

Wet Ingredients

2T Coconut Sugar (or substitute some other sugar)

3T Coconut Oil (or substitute some other oil)

2 1/2T Sunflower Seed Butter

1/4C Pure Maple Syrup

• Preheat oven to 325.

• Combine all of the dry ingredients in a large mixing bowl and stir so everything is mixed-up.

• Warm all of the wet ingredients in a small saucepan and whisk until smooth and pourable.

• Pour the wet ingredients over the mixed-up dry ingredients and fold the mixture over and over with a spatula until it is well combined. You can spread this mixture in an 8”x8” baking pan you have coated with baking spray, or you can do what I did and use a mini-muffin tin instead. The baking spray is key, so be sure to coat everything well. Pack each “muffin” tightly and fill about 3/4 full (mine, pictured below in the pan, were a little bit too full and overflowed a touch when baked). Bake about 20 minutes. You may need a little more or a little less time depending on your oven. You’re looking for a golden brown color overall, a little darker around the edges.

• When baked, remove from the oven and place the pan on a baking rack to cool for about an hour. I was worried mine would stick, so after about 20 minutes, I used a butter knife to slightly loosen each mini-muffin. After an hour, remove from pan and continue to let cool for another couple of hours. At that point, you can slice into bar shapes if you opted for the 8”x8” pan.

I put our mini-muffins in the freezer because I’m betting that the delightfully crispy exterior will become less crispy and more sticky if left on the counter or in the fridge. Because there’s so little water in these, Wyatt will just pull one (or more) from the freezer in the morning and it will be fully thawed by snack time.

Masks Matter! Patterns & Tips To Make Your Own #masks4all

You have read this article from GetzWell Pediatrics, right? It has pretty much everything you need to know right now about masks, including why everyone needs to be wearing one. I promise, it’s worth your time, so hop over there and read it if you haven’t yet.

If you already have a Vogmask or something similar, use it. If you’re like us and don’t have one, homemade masks have been shown to work great! Whichever route you choose, remember: No hoarding, buying, or using N95 type masks or other personal protective equipment that health workers need!

No-Sew Mask Options: If you aren’t up for sewing, you can tie a bandana or other woven scarf around your nose and mouth when you go out. Or you can easily make this no-sew-mask with things you have in your home.

Sewn Mask Options: In the last two days, I’ve made two different styles of masks. Here’s my take on both

Rectangular: The first style I made is a pleated rectangular one with elastic loops that hook around your ears. I made these masks in response to a local request for masks for healthcare professionals, and I made them according to directions that reflect their specific requests. I’m sure there will be some variation among healthcare professionals as to what they need in a mask, so if you’re looking to make masks for donation, be sure to ask for details on what exactly your recipients need. Here are the directions for the pleated rectangular masks I made. It’s a LOT of fabric to sew through on the pleats, and the finished edges are annoying to sew, but it’s basically one-size-fits-all.

Fu Face Mask: The second style I made is the Fu Face Mask. It’s more of a dome shape, and it has shaped areas for your nose and chin. Unlike the rectangular mask that uses your ears as anchor points, in this style, one pair of fabric ties is stitched to the mask above your ears and goes around your head to tie, and a second pair is stitched to the mask below your ears and ties at the nape of your neck. We like these masks a lot. They fit us very well, are easy to sew, easy to fasten, and they stay put without fiddling. The pattern comes in different sizes, too, which means you can get a great fit.

The Fu Mask has two pattern pdfs you can download and print: Letter size and A4 size. When I printed both and compared them, the A4 size masks were a little larger than the letter size ones (I don’t know why, but they were). We like the coverage of the slightly larger ones, so I went with the A4. Here are links to my pattern pieces for S, M, and L sizes. I have added a 1/2” seam allowance on all sides. You can just print these patterns out, cut them out, and then cut your fabric to match the pattern (just remember to sew the masks with a 1/2” seam allowance).

I am using tightly woven cotton fabric remnants to make our masks. I made the size S for Wyatt and for me, and the size M for Marc. My notes on how to achieve a better fitting Fu Mask are listed below, and photos are included at the bottom:

(1) If you want to add an initial (I did an M for Marc) to the lining before you start sewing to tell the masks apart, sew that first.

(2) When you sew the ties that will end up above your ears, place them at about a 45 degree angle (or steeper) so the ties will go above your ears, not across them. If you attach the ties horizontally, like they show you to do in the written tutorial, you may find the ties go directly across your ears (uncomfortable), and that once you tie the strings, they slip down (annoying and ineffective).

(3) Cut your ties to be 15 inches long (or longer if you have a bigger than average head). Their recommendation of 12 inches is too short for the noggins in this household. I used bias tape for the ties because I had packages of it in my stash. I stitched down the open edges before attaching the ties. You can also make self-fabric ties according to the instructions in the Fu Mask video.

(4) Pay attention to tie placement in relation to your seam allowances. I cut my patterns with a 1/2” seam allowance (1/4” is too stressful for the youngest sewist around here), so when I place the ties at the bottom, I need to pin them 1/2” away from the lower cut edge.

(5) Because my seam allowances are wide, I trim all but the last one (which is tucked into the mask) to 1/4” after pressing.

(6) I double stitch over the ties because I don’t want them to pull out from the seams.

Astonishingly Good

Today is my 101st consecutive day of meditation, and I feel astonishingly good. I feel calm, alert, and super smart. Amazing, right? Most importantly, I don't feel anxious. The constantly looping, stomping, and crashing parade of worries and what-ifs disbanded and left my mind about a week ago. Only a few of the more reasonable concerns remain, and they're cool. They're sitting down and hanging out quietly until I choose to deal with them.

None of these things were true 101 days ago, and they're all thanks to my meditation practice. But meditation did not made me more "zen."  Meditation gave me the insight to seek, and the confidence to get, help.

Therapists have told me that I ruminate. I've had coping mechanisms my whole life, like imagining worst case scenarios and planning how I would handle them when I needed to. I am a truly excellent imaginer of worst-case scenarios. Imagining those terrible situations and possible solutions is probably supposed to free a person from worry. But for me? These situations simply added to the chaos and noise of the never ending parade. I couldn't seem to let anything emotional go. People would tell me that emotions are like ocean waves, and waves always recede, so I'd be okay. I'd nod my head like I totally understood, but I didn't. I was busy treading water in the deep end of a wave pool of emotion, trying to seem like I wasn't tired.

The anxiety made sense to me for decades. School was often stressful, and the more I worried, the harder I worked. The harder I worked, the better grades I got. Being a litigator could be stressful, too. There were clients, judges, important cases, and lots of things to juggle. I eventually decided a high level of worry and anxiety about my work was not only normal but necessary. Who cares if I couldn't turn it off? The worry and anxiety was probably part of what made me good at my job.

I left legal work about seven years ago, and I took on Stay At Home Mom like it was a profession. I learned about nutrition, fermentation, cooking, and I made myself do things like stay up super late to bake sourdough bread rather than lose a loaf to over-proofing. I shifted our kitchen into a place that was full of jars of whole, nourishing ingredients from the grocery store bulk section. I was the only person who could turn any of it into food anytime anyone wanted to eat. I focused on raising our kid, reading books, taking classes, trying to come up with a second career, improving my emotional intelligence, all the while worrying what angles I was missing. And then? I started a blog where I posted every week without fail. I was up late writing, checking stats, editing photos, and ultimately welcoming self doubt into my mental parade. I wasn’t sleeping well, and I was as stressed-out as ever. Worse, I felt like I had to hide my mental state because it was, based on my life and lifestyle, totally unwarranted.

There seemed to be no objective reason for my anxiety. I am a white, heterosexual, cis-woman. I'm married with one non-home-schooled child who has no disabilities. I don't have an employer, and I live comfortably with my wonderful little family in one of the most beautiful cities in the United States. We've had rocky periods at home, but we emerged from them maybe better (certainly no worse) than before. The mismatch between my internal and external life was frankly embarrassing. I was sure I was doing something terribly wrong.

This January, I decided to slow way down and remove self-imposed pressures to see if I'd calm down. I stopped writing regular blog posts, and I started doing things like buying grain-free granola instead of making it. I prioritized connecting in person with friends over completing tasks. In February, I began developing a meditation practice according to Bliss More. I went from dreading and avoiding meditation to looking forward to it and doing it every single day. Surely all of this subdued the parade, right?

Nope. Doing less didn’t help at all. With all those activities gone, I worried about more and more mundane things in greater and greater detail. The parade stayed just as loud and  looped just as fast as ever. But thanks to meditation, I started noticing how my mental state was affecting my life. I needed to change things, and I couldn't do it myself.

While I was debating about hiring a new therapist and looking into prescription medications, I noticed a social media post from Wyatt’s pediatrician, Dr. Julia Getzelman. She wrote that she had been using genetic testing to uncover the root causes of patients' mental and physical issues, including anxiety, ADD, and ADHD. Knowing the root causes allowed her to successfully treat those conditions without pharmaceuticals, and she was starting to work with adults. I swallowed hard and sent her a self-conscious email explaining how I was feeling and that, in my opinion, I had no right to feel this way, but maybe she could help.  Her compassion was overwhelming in the very best way. She took my complaints seriously, and after analyzing my 23andMe genetic test, she explained, from a medical perspective, why I felt so awful and trapped. More importantly, she developed a plan for me to get better. The plan involves my taking supplements maybe forever and also playing with dietary changes over the next couple of months so we can determine what will work best for me over the long term.

Today, I am so much better. I feel astonishingly good, and I'm so grateful.

The Cure

"Mom. Don't you love this song? I do. I didn't know it was on this cassette. Did you know that this is The Cure?"

"Yes, I did."

"What's he saying? Boys don't cry? This song is very old. Like back from when people thought boys shouldn't cry, I guess? Mom. You know that boys are tougher than girls, right?"

I laughed, and not a "HA!" laugh, a real legitimate laugh. "No, they're not. I mean, seriously, just for an example, can you name me any man tougher than Harriet Tubman?"

He was quiet.  "No," he finally said, "I can't. But for women, Flo Jo might have been faster than Harriet Tubman."

Happy November, everyone.  In case you couldn't guess, Wyatt and I just finished Rad Women A-Z and we are currently reading Let It Shine: Stories of Black Women Freedom Fighters. We'll be getting back to The Mixed-Up Files of Mrs. Basil E. Frankweiler, soon. Meanwhile, I'm really enjoying Wyatt's unlikely comparisons between heroic, strong women.

And in recognition of cold and flu season, as well as everything else that's wearing us down, keeping us up, and demanding our action (I mean, WHERE TO START?), I thought I'd post about what most people used to call Fire Cider, until a company trademarked that name. Now a lot of people call it Master Tonic. A lot of people except, I guess, Kitchn, whose recipe I use. And except for us, at home, in conversation. "Master Tonic" is basically a folk remedy that we drink the moment we feel a throat tickle, have a couple of sneezes, or get that vague run-down-before-a-cold feeling. Marc and Wyatt used to joke that they couldn't sneeze or cough around me or I'd chase them with a shot of it. But now, they come after me with it, too. And as of today, we were into our last bottle, so it was time for another batch.

Some people say it tastes good. We are not liars, and we would never say such a thing. But we do take it. All three of us. It requires a lot of chopping and cutting, and it keeps indefinitely, so I make a triple batch at a time. Fortunately, Wyatt was happy to be my garlic peeler today, and that helped a lot.

We'll shake the jug everyday for the next 4-6 weeks (the time we will wait will depend on whether we run out of our last batch), strain out the solids, and then funnel the liquid into bottles for storing.